For many, love is a mystery. We grow up hearing fairytale beliefs about love from our family members and our friends. Many times these beliefs don’t serve us as we are searching for true love. I have discovered some myths that I feel don’t really hold true for my clients and may be holding you back from finding true love. Here are my top 5 that I see again and again:
Myth #1: You should not have to work so hard to find love. It just happens!
Some people get lucky and meet someone that they can build a life with early such in their 20’s. And if they are lucky, they picked correctly and will stay married. Many of us did not make such great choices finding, solidifying and staying in a love relationship. For many of us, we have to work at finding love. It takes work to refine our choices and getting to know what we need and want in a relationship. There is much trial and error, especially if you haven’t done the inner work required to choose correctly. Then you have to figure out where to meet someone with whom you will resonate. Last, you need the skills to understand how to connect with the right person and to even recognize him or her when you do meet him or her. Last, you need to work at meshing two separate life visions into one shared life vision that will work for both people. When you are in relationship with the right person, this is all fulfilling work and not drudgery.
Myth #2: Love is at First Sight- You know right away!
There is a belief that when you do meet this person, you will know! And it will be like love at first sight. This is mostly a fabrication of Hollywood. For most people it is not love at first sight. Yes, you can be attracted to a person. However, you really don’t know them and if their life goals, values and interests match up. It’s just a hunch. I have known several guys who did know pretty soon who was the right person- including my father who told my mother that he was going to marry her on a second date. My mother thought he was kidding and didn’t take him seriously at first. This is the exception. Again, it takes time to date someone and to get to know who they are all about. Make sure you both want the same things and see your lives going in the same direction. For many, there is a discovery process of dating that you start to realize that you could be a good match. And then, only time will tell though. Even with the movie “Frozen” the love at first sight was found to be a sham with Princess Ana and Prince Hans. Finally Disney is becoming more realistic when it comes to love!
Myth #3: With Love there should be hot passion!
Chemistry is just that….Chemistry. You may not be able to build a life with someone just based on Chemistry. I know because I have been there. After the physical attraction, you have to have an emotional, intellectual and, for some, a spiritual connection to sustain a long term relationship. What is going to happen when you are in your 60’s or 70’s? Will you still enjoy being with this person? Hot passion can rarely sustain for the long haul. I recommend instead you look to share similar values, interests and common life goals which sustains connection. And, with the right person, attraction can grow.
Myth #4: If he (she) loves me, he (she) will change for me.
Perhaps you will see this for the short term. However, then you will start to see the person as they really are if you stick around long enough. As we age, our quirks become more pronounced. What you see is usually what you get unless you are with a true chameleon. And the person who changes for the relationship eventually becomes resentful and that will become more evident as time goes on. So take the time to get to know the needs and wants of a potential mate in addition to take off your rose colored glasses and see who your partner really is before tying the knot.
Myth #5: Love should be fun!
Yes, we do need to enjoy being with this person. More importantly, will they stick around for the tough stuff such as illness, job loss, a death in the family, or issues with a child, demanding work or will they bolt when life gets hard? Relationships take work (as it was discussed in Myth # 1) and requires an understanding partner. If someone feels a relationship is not fun because of other responsibilities, then what will they do when you are in a committed situation and marriage when tough stuff happens? However, with the right relationship, there is a flow and we truly can laugh with one another despite life’s disappointments.
As you can see, by buying into these myths, you are setting yourself up with unrealistic expectations of a potential love relationship. This may have you make some decisions that will not serve you best as you are getting out there to date. I recommend you go into a relationship with your eyes and heart open. Then you can see where it will lead. If it is the right person, then given that there aren’t any obvious relationship roadblocks, and there is mutual interest, then the relationship will organically move towards a more committed relationship and even marriage if that is your goal.